Hard Digest November 13: Early Access Tubi, Goodreads, Drummers, and More

Second Page of Tubi Search Results Offers Horrifying Glimpse Into the Absolute Dregs of Human Creative Output

By Steve Packosky 

SALEM, Ore. – Local resident Lourdes Castello caught a horrifying glimpse into the worst creative slop humanity has to offer when she casually searched streaming platform Tubi for a movie she wanted to watch, visibly repulsed sources reported.

“I was in the mood to watch ‘Notting Hill,’ so I typed it into the search,” Castello said. “It wasn’t available, but I absent-mindedly scrolled through the results and became more appalled and fascinated the further I went. The first result was ‘Autumn in New York’ with Winona Ryder, which I suppose is close enough, but after that it went completely off the rails. I mean, ‘Bikini Hackers?’ What the fuck is that? I ultimately ended up watching ‘Hee Haw Farm.’ I just couldn’t resist.”

Castello’s roommate Shelly Lewell happened upon the result of Castello’s sordid plunge into the grim media depths.

“I walked into the living room and glanced at the TV, and I couldn’t believe what Lourdes was watching,” Lewell noted. “It was this unbelievably low-budget movie about a donkey farm, or something, and it had the worst acting I’ve ever seen. It was definitely a children’s movie, and I think it might’ve been Christian, but I’m not sure. Lourdes just had this glazed-over expression on her face, like she definitely wasn’t enjoying it but couldn’t help herself from watching. It was really grisly. I could actually feel myself getting swept up in it, as well, so I had to run out of the room.”

Tubi representative Jack Loganmeyers was not surprised by the situation.

“This is actually what Tubi’s business is modeled after,” Loganmeyers offered. “Very rarely will somebody end up watching what they set out to when they logged into our platform. They’ll type in ‘Interstellar’ and end up watching some shitty 45-minute documentary about the guitarist from T. Rex. They’ll try to watch ‘You’ve Got Mail’ and end up playing ‘Like a Country Song.’ Some think it’s sick, but we actually generate 90% of our views off of morbid curiosity alone. How else would we be able to stay afloat? It’s a free service, for Christ’s sake.”

At press time, Castello had finished watching ‘Hee Haw Farm’ and had headed to her local Walmart to peruse the bargain DVD bin for her next watch.

I Follow My Son on Goodreads and He’s Reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” What’s That All About?

By Bob Kerr

So, get this—I’m on GoodReads to rate the book I just finished reading. (If you’re curious, it was “The Diary of Anne Frank” and I DNF it. One star.) So I go and check out what my son Brian is reading and I find out he’s reading a book called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. Um, excuse me? I was going to comment on it and say, “Is there something you want to say to me?” But then I remembered that my profile is a fake one because I don’t want him to know his mother is keeping tabs. And no, it’s not spying! I’m his mother. And I wouldn’t need to resort to a fake profile if he wasn’t so secretive!

When he was younger, we used to talk about anything! He’d tell me how he was scared about asking some girl to the prom and I’d tell him how his father could never bring me to orgasm. I remember him turning pale at the thought of his poor mother, lying in bed, weeping with miserable dissatisfaction.

Speaking of which, he’s probably reading that book because of Gerald. Talk about being emotionally immature! The man wants hugs all the time! He’s 55! You know who else wants hugs? Toddlers! He not only has the emotional maturity of a 5-year-old, he also has the penis of one. I wish I was joking.

I’d say that I’m maybe too emotionally mature. I’m sure Brian would agree. After all, he’s the one who told me that I needed to get in touch with my “inner child”. Um, sorry, Brian, but I aborted my inner child once I had you. Sounds dramatic, but it’s true! Maybe I should write that on his birthday card next year.

Oh, now I see he’s put up another book that he’s reading. “How to Set Boundaries”. Not surprising. It might as well be called: “How to Get Your Father to Stop Being Such A Needy Little Bitch”.

Now that I think of it, these books are probably a cry for help. My poor little guy! I should call him. No, no. I don’t want him to think I’m clingy like his baby of a father. I’ll let him come to me. He always does, eventually.

Study Finds 100,000 Drummers Are Lost A Year In Stage Fog

By Brisa Sylvestre 

DENVER — A recent study conducted by the National Drummers Association (NDA) found that upwards of 100,000 drummers a year are lost in theatrical stage fog.

“Our study confirms what we already suspected,” said lead researcher Jasper Curtins as he zoomed in closely on a concert reel of a drummer helplessly disappearing into the fog after a slight attempt from the guitarist to wave off a puff of the dense artificial cloud failed. “There are in fact hundreds of talented drummers helplessly lost in the mist every single day. Most concertgoers don’t even realize there are drummers sitting back there until the clouds clear and there is a lonely drum kit with nobody to play it. It’s tragic that the numbers are this high, but we figured spreading awareness is a good place to start.”

Local drummer Steve Fry was glad the statistics were finally made public, saying he’s sick and tired of being sucked into a cloud every time a song calls for an edgy vibe.

“Every show I’ll say ‘Hey guys can we let off? Do we need the fucking fog?’ and the show producer gives me some bull about how he needs the stage to look like a steamy subway platform out of a Stephen King novel. I mean Christ, I’m about to change my profession to wind chimes, ” said Fry. “I try to tell them that every time we fire up the fog machine I’m transported to a netherworld of horrors so immense that I can no longer sleep at night, but nobody seems to care. At this point I feel like I’d have an easier career being a fighter pilot navigating a hurricane at 40,000 feet. I’m tired of this shit.”

Mindy Flitz, a member of the Fire Department’s Drummer Safety Team, weighed in with steps drummers can take to avoid becoming a fog casualty.

“Drummers should be wearing goggles on stage. This can help them keep a clear line of sight once they are taken by a fog cloud. If they feel they are too disoriented in the fog to attempt to walk out themselves, then they should remain seated until the end of the show until a parent, or guardian can escort them to higher ground,” said a deadly serious Flitz. “A vacuum is another tool drummers should keep in their arsenal; vacuuming up the fog around their drum set might give them an extra 5-10 seconds of visibility. After this point, drummers should fire off a flare so we can locate them after whatever song the band is playing ends.”

At press time, Fry was seen setting off an aforementioned flare before being enveloped in a dense cloud during his band’s cover of Phil Collins “In The Air Tonight.”

Sims 4 Update Restricts Pet Ownership for Unmarried Women

BY Graham Morris 

REDWOOD CITY, Calif — Today, EA Games and Maxis Studios introduced an update for their popular life simulator The Sims 4 that restricts unmarried, childless women sims from owning pets.

EA CEO Andrew Wilson addressed this update in a short press conference this morning.

“We pride ourselves in growing The Sims brand to adapt to the times, whether that means expanding our gender and sexuality options so all players can feel represented, or instituting restrictive social norms under a regressive government.”

This change comes in the wake of a number of comments from Vice-President Elect JD Vance criticizing the role “childless cat ladies” play in American society.

“Previously, The Sims represented a dangerous fantasy for many young women,” the upholstery enthusiast stated in an official press release, “in which they had a purpose beyond securing the existence of our people and a future for [our] children.”

The reaction to this latest update from The Sims community online has been split, with some disappointed in the stripping of their Sims’ basic rights, freedom and autonomy, and others expressing joy at seeing people they disagree with suffer.

On Reddit, dataminer “will_wrong” dug into the patch for hints at future content. “I found strings with the ‘proj2025’ label, some unused models for a ‘library_bonfire’ social event, and weirdly enough, the ability to ‘WooHoo’ household furniture.”

It is currently unclear how many of the updates will actually be carried out, and whether the current dev team has the ability to execute their plans. Many fans of The Sims expressed hope for “lazy devs” that spend most of their time complaining online instead of implementing changes.

“It’s disappointing to hear about these changes but luckily devs who believe in such doctrines have a history of doing literally anything except working on their game. So I have hope most of these things won’t end up in the game,” wrote user PoolNeighbor on Reddit.

At press time, Vance was last seen playing Hearts of Iron 3 with the Discord status “Fixing some mistakes.”

Local Film Lover Comes Out of the Criterion Closet

BY Gary Kerls 

KING OF PRUSSIA, Pa. — In a recent Letterboxd review of Francis Ford Coppola’s Megalopolis local movie lover, Todd Jacobs, bravely announced to the public that he is a cinephile.

“I think deep down I always knew,” Jacobs told sources outside of the Regal Cinemas IMAX and 4DX. “I knew someone in college who loved movies like this, we experimented with 123movies.com, it felt so right, you couldn’t find Mean Streets anywhere.”

While this is a big first step, Jacobs told anyone around the theater who would listen that there was still the obstacle of coming out to everyone that doesn’t follow him on Letterboxd.

“I don’t know how grandpa will react this Christmas when I tell him I put Ready Player One higher than Saving Private Ryan on my ‘Spielberg Films Ranked’ list.”

Letterboxd spokesperson Eliza Johnson, told reporters that this kind of coming out isn’t a rare thing on Letterboxd, and many use the app’s review feature to make all sorts of confessions feeling that they are in a safe space.

“It’s an honor that movie buffs use our platform to make such personal and public announcements,” she said in between listing her four most recently watched films. “We have seen a bump of these kinds of actualizations from the Megalopolis reviews, but nothing compares to the things people realized after watching Y tu mamĂĄ tambiĂŠn.”

Both Letterboxd and Criterion’s recent social media surges have imprinted a new found appreciation for classic cinema on the younger generations. Perhaps the film industry can be resurrected by radicalized Zoomers who wear A24 t-shirts.

“It’s incredibly difficult to predict the industry’s future based on the habits of young people,” says Professor of Film Studies at Villanova, Hannah Topel. “These companies are constantly being dealt with contradicting information. One week Gen Z wants less sex depicted in film, and the next week they’re demanding more fuckable popcorn buckets.”

At press time, the cinephile community has come to the agreement that a Pulp Fiction poster will be the representational symbol for unabashed cinema lovers everywhere.